1. Be sure to bring your toddler’s favorite juice mix with you to the airport to make sure he will drink it during takeoff and landing, thus preventing ear problems. When he drinks it all before you even get on the plane, make him more. By all means, just keep giving him more because he’s thirsty for goodness sake. And you still need some for him to drink on the plane. Then, when his diaper leaks just before boarding, soaking the only pair of pants you have, put him in a regular diaper instead of the thicker nighttime diaper you have RIGHT THERE, because it’s only an hour-long flight and that just HAD to have been all the pee. Then, when that diaper leaks during the descent (when it’s too late to change, thanks to the seat-belt sign being illuminated), you can just hope that maybe no one will notice that you and the sleeping toddler you’re holding are wet and reek of pee, because you probably already smelled like pee when you got on the plane and maybe they are used to it by now.

2. When taking a road trip with your newborn baby, marvel at how well he sleeps in the car. He can sleep for four-and-a-half hours on the road! That never happens at home. Be sure to drive during the morning or afternoon, when your baby should be awake. This will ensure he will be up ALL NIGHT the first night of your trip and his schedule will remain messed up until the end of the trip. Be sure to let him sleep on the way home too; he’s so tired from not sleeping at night. Then, he’ll be even more messed up when you get home.

3. Take your baby on a camping trip while he’s teething. Make sure to pick a crowded campground so the maximum number of people can hear him screaming in the middle of the night. Proceed to pack up all of your camping gear and take down the tent, while consoling the baby, in the PITCH DARK. Make sure to put that black suitcase you are packing next to a wheel on the car. That way, when you leave and forget it’s there, you will run over it. Then you can cram it in the car instead of accidentally leaving it behind.

4. Check into a beautiful historic hotel and forget to make sure they have air conditioning. Proceed to enjoy your evening in your gorgeous, well-appointed room, attempting to get your fat, hot, pink, sweaty, mostly naked baby to sleep in the heat. When he finally passes out from exhaustion, you are free to sleep in the comfortable bed for the two hours left before morning.

5. Take many trips to the airport with your kids, juggling them, your stroller, your check-in bag AND your carryon bag. Watch as strangers marvel at how crazy you are to try to manage all this stuff! Then, one day, notice the Smarte Carte luggage carts you can check out for $4. Put your kid in the seat up front, pile your luggage and stroller in the back and get around the airport pushing ONE thing. Proceed to feel silly for not doing this earlier.

Hope you and your family had a great Labor Day weekend! If you have a good family vacation disaster story, please post it in the comments.